Destiny's River

Upon this raging sea of destiny
Angry waves will come and go
Shaping through erosion what we will only see.

The back and forth of eternity
Forever seeking from what we sow
Upon the map that marks our entangled destiny

Held by solid chains of conformity
A small and tortured soul hangs low
Fighting to breathe and hang on to me

Forsaking hope and prosperity
Finding the courage to let go
Drowning deep within my destiny

Embracing sweet simplicity
With cheapened oars to row
Through this sea of destiny
It's rivers will lead back to me
Natasha Head 2011



Another attempt at the much dreaded Villanelle with motivation provided by Onestop Poetry.  Have a visit and give your writing muscels a work out.  All comments are always much appreciated, but please be gentle...this is one of the weaker poetry forms for me :)
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Anonymous said…
Tash this is a great first attempt. Much better than mine last week lol! Nice flow and you have plaeyd on your A1 and A2, not quite repeating but echoing?
January 24, 2011 at 12:14 PM
Tashtoo said…
Just skipped over and had a read of yours...the images of those who rule were very colourfully painted and I'm still smirking at the thought! I've had so much trouble with this form over the years,I had all but stopped trying, and near started crying when Onestop warned us this was coming! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, VERY MUCH appreciated~!
January 24, 2011 at 12:24 PM
Vivek said…
Hi Natasha,
I loved this poem of yours.. its really inspiring one. .it really teaches us to keep our patience and not get swayed by troubles..and face life challenge.
Nothing is small or big every word thats comes out of imagination connects heart to heart.

lovely poem. . Will await for some of your amazing poetry.

thanks for sharing.

Take care
keep smiling
January 24, 2011 at 12:32 PM
Simran said…
Wow....It's very inspiring and beautiful...



Forsaking hope and prosperity
Finding the courage to let go
Drowning deep within my destiny

Very Nice!!
Keep Writing Natashu :)
January 24, 2011 at 12:46 PM
Tashtoo said…
Vivek...thank you much for your inspiring and motivating words. Happy to share with folks who are so kind! :)
January 24, 2011 at 1:12 PM
Reflections said…
Powerful words... I like the echoeing lines, versus an exact repeat in this piece. Though I do tend to repeat in mcuh of my work. Maybe a stab at the villanelle isn't too far off.
January 24, 2011 at 1:56 PM
Claudia said…
hi natasha - great you gave it a second try. i like the content you write into this. there would be some things to say regarding rhymes, meter and stanzas. don't want to comment in detail without you giving me the ok. but if you want a detailed feedback, please leave a comment for me at the one stop villanelle post.
January 24, 2011 at 2:54 PM
Claudia said…
hi natasha - will be back after checking with luke..
January 24, 2011 at 4:54 PM
Anonymous said…
Hi Natasha - I would comment here but Claudia has something written already, so I'll let her comment here first thing tmw morning (European time)

Luke
January 24, 2011 at 7:09 PM
Claudia said…
hi natasha - back with a very detailed comment on your villanelle...please keep in mind: villanelles are not easy to write - they are complex and it needs practising - maybe a bit like playing an instrument. i won't talk about the meter in this first go because i think you first have to get the structure right and then we can have a second look. is that ok with you? hope it will be helpful. i very much appreciate that you are willing to take the crit and are eager to learn. this will make us poets better - the learning together.

a villanelle consists of 19 lines all in all - you have forgotten a tercet (3 lines)
your rhymes are good - go/sow/low/row
you have used "go" twice, which i wouldn't do but it's not wrong i guess.
i will mark your villanelle with the structure to make it more visible.
i'm not sure if your A1 rhymes are variations? not sure how widely they can be varied. i like small varitations but for my taste (that's just personal opinion) they vary too much.


(A1) Upon this raging sea of destiny (this should be repeated 4 times)
(b) Angry waves will come and go
(A2) Shaping through erosion what we will only see. (this should be repeated 4 times

(a) The back and forth of eternity
(b) Forever seeking from what we sow
(here should be A1 again) Upon the map that marks our entangled destiny

(a) Held by solid chains of conformity
(b) A small and tortured soul hangs low
(here should be A2 again) Fighting to breathe and hang on to me

(a) Forsaking hope and prosperity
(b) Finding the courage to let go
(here should be A1 again) Drowning deep within my destiny

Line 13 (a)
Line 14 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)

(a) Embracing sweet simplicity
(b) With cheapened oars to row
(here should be A1 again) Through this sea of destiny
(here should be A2 again) It's rivers will lead back to me




Example:

(A1) Upon this raging sea of destiny
(b) Angry waves will come and go
(A2) Shaping through erosion what we will only see.

(a) The back and forth of eternity
(b) Forever seeking from what we sow
(here should be A1 again) Upon this raging sea of destiny

the structure once again:

Refrain 1 (A1)
Line 2 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)

Line 4 (a)
Line 5 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)

Line 7 (a)
Line 8 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)

Line 10 (a)
Line 11 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)

Line 13 (a)
Line 14 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)

Line 16 (a)
Line 17 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)
Refrain 2 (A2)
January 25, 2011 at 12:55 AM
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