Taker of Dreams
Wanting only to be part of something
She shapes herself to fit
Smothering her eternal light
As she struggles to find her place ~ her face
Letting straps slip off sun kissed shoulders
Just like her mama taught her
Just a hint of what waits
Beyond the hunger pains
Beyond the seams
That hold her confined
Images of the unattainable
Decorate a child's vanity
Airbrushed hopes and dreams
That no reality could withstand.
She turns to the dark
Where even the shadows mock
Her awkwardness
Turning her against herself
Where the damage will forever last
The price to be paid
To the taker of dreams
She shapes herself to fit
Smothering her eternal light
As she struggles to find her place ~ her face
Letting straps slip off sun kissed shoulders
Just like her mama taught her
Just a hint of what waits
Beyond the hunger pains
Beyond the seams
That hold her confined
Images of the unattainable
Decorate a child's vanity
Airbrushed hopes and dreams
That no reality could withstand.
She turns to the dark
Where even the shadows mock
Her awkwardness
Turning her against herself
Where the damage will forever last
The price to be paid
To the taker of dreams
 |
| Girl in Mirror ~ Norman Rockwell |
Comments
One should start early to tell the so called society norms to go to hell
Or they end up as your described above
Broken, torn, without love
‘eternal’ is a tad clichéd, I wondered if adolescent might be appropriate as it would pinpoint her age? You’ve used ‘just’ twice in consecutive lines, I’d cut one of them, possibly both as it’s one of those redundant words that adds little to a piece. Also turns/turning used very close together, how about 'spinning' instead, more interesting verb which would give a little more movement. ‘forever last’ feels awkward, ‘endure’ perhaps? Other than that I’d drop the capitals at the beginning of some of the lines and use some punctuation, both of which would improve the flow. Some stanza breaks would also aid the reader.
Wanting only to be part of something
she shapes herself to fit;
smothering her adolescent light.
As she struggles to find her place ~ her face,
letting straps slip off sun-kissed shoulders
like her mama taught her,
a hint of what waits
beyond the hunger pains,
beyond the seams
that hold her confined.
Images of the unattainable
decorate a child's vanity;
airbrushed hopes and dreams
that no reality could withstand.
She turns to the dark,
where even the shadows mock
her awkwardness;
spinning against herself
where the damage will endure,
the price to be paid
to the taker of dreams.
Please feel free to take as much or as little of this on board. Just one person’s opinion/take on an already very strong piece of writing.
My crit is only suggestions. Please take what you want and toss the rest if you choose. If you rewrite and want me to take another look, please let me know.
I find the capital letters at the beginning of each line break the flow. I read all poetry out loud and capitals cause me to pause my thought. Stanza breaks, at least one, would improve the readability. I think inserting a break at the line that begins with images and another at the "She turns to the dark" line.
This is vivid poetry, conveying the emotion that begs for the reader to reach out and snatch her away from grown-up desires and put her back in childhood games.
I hope I was able to help. Thanks for the opportunity and for listening.
Beth
like her mama taught her
This is the line that for me carries the personal vibrancy of experience. I tend to agree about the capitals.. a slight breaker of flow. Finally, because this is already a strong piece, I wonder if it would be good to look at 'her' - when I re-read the poem, it felt just a little repetitive.
Again, just one reader's take, so know you will take what you need and ignore what doesn't fit your intention. Enjoyed the read...
I too am horrible at critique. It's just that I'm a positive person to begin with.... So let me start with that. Your word usage is strong as is the idea that is formed within the poem. I really liked that it was a strong poem with a sense of direction. In my humble opinion, and it is personal taste, there is alot of places that repeat the word "her". Now that could be strategically placed, which then would make a case for the repetitive use of the word. The only other thing that I too wouldn't mind seing is breaks in the poem as well. But I really enjoyed this poem and the truth that rings throughout the poem. Good work :)