See~Through Me
This week, Brian and Claudia are manning the dVersePub for Meeting the Bar~ Critique&Craft, and this week, in order for us to offer up our own selection for review, we must agree to critique the poem posted before and after our own. Fair enough...but I'm incredibly uncomfortable with the process. I'm biting the bullet though...and I do hope you consider sharing with us as well. All in the name of being a better poet...I'm going to try!
See-Through Me
Transparent...empty...void
of the solid with
no walls to hide
behind unless you count
these panes of glass
as barriers to your
prying eyes, I have no
secrets, couldn't keep one if I
tried, yet you still insist
I'm holding back, why
push for the drama to the point
you invent it
behind the cinder blocks you refuse
to let me pass, beyond your
disguise where you demanded
I remove my own, random condition
of your ownership, now discarded
like yesterday's trash
yet still you insist I'm hiding
behind these walls of slivered glass.
This particular write was inspired by the prompt offered up at Poets United where they're talking about Glass Houses! Thought I'd have a go at their Thursday Think Tank
See-Through Me
Transparent...empty...void
of the solid with
no walls to hide
behind unless you count
these panes of glass
as barriers to your
prying eyes, I have no
secrets, couldn't keep one if I
tried, yet you still insist
I'm holding back, why
push for the drama to the point
you invent it
behind the cinder blocks you refuse
to let me pass, beyond your
disguise where you demanded
I remove my own, random condition
of your ownership, now discarded
like yesterday's trash
yet still you insist I'm hiding
behind these walls of slivered glass.
This particular write was inspired by the prompt offered up at Poets United where they're talking about Glass Houses! Thought I'd have a go at their Thursday Think Tank
Comments
These are only my thoughts... I think you have written a wonderful poem for the prompt glass houses. Thanks.
Did I do okay?
~laurie
Really nicely done, thanks for a good read on a Thursday Eve
yet still you insist I'm hiding
behind these walls of slivered glass.
I'm not a participant in these poetic challenges, of course, just giving my opinion on this poem. I'd always be leery of imposing my own stylistic biases upon other poets, with styles and quirks of their own. It'd be a shame to rob someone of his or her voice just to satisfy my own way of writing my poems, stories, etc.
Transparent...empty...void
of the solid with
no walls to hide
behind unless you count
these panes of glass (could do pains for word play)
as barriers to your
prying eyes, I have no
secrets, couldn't keep one if I
tried, yet you still insist
I'm holding back, why (think you could play off the rhyme with tried-maybe even lied, or little white lies just to keep the beat going)
push for the drama to the point
you invent it
behind the cinder blocks you refuse
to let me pass, beyond your
disguise where you demanded(where is kinda iffy for me, maybe 'yet')
I remove my own, random condition
of your ownership, now discarded
like yesterday's trash
yet still you insist I'm hiding
behind these walls of slivered glass.
i like your play tash...as always just some suggestions or thoughts...
playful and wonderful piece.
yet still you insist I'm hiding
behind these walls of slivered glass
effective ending and as always a lot of personality is present as i hear your distictive poetic voice
some great lines here, I enjoyed it!
That's not something I'd want to boast
Those prying eyes
Could tell lies
A very indepth piece
That I know will never cease
Nicely done once more
Now go back to sell, sell, sell at your floor..haha
stapled maples
The poem is very well written and communicated. I hate the MC is in that position. You really make the reader want to pull for her, even grab her and shake her. Super reader involvement. I can't see any improvments other than keeping track of the walls and their symbolism. But when I slow down, change my POV to that of your MC, it reads much better. I really enjoyed it.
push for the drama to the point
you invent it"
I really like that!