The Simple Form of Me
After investing much time in my Monday attempt at villanelle, Claudia (AKA Splittergewitter) has provided some valuable insight into what I was doing wrong, and I would love to share my second attempt with you. We might have to blame the folks at Onestop Poetry for a new obsession! But of course, as I looked closer at what I had written, and with the help of Claudia, my poem took on a whole new feel, and in honor of that, I have blessed it with a new name and photo. As always, please feel free to share your thoughts and comments, and if you are a writer, new, old or indifferent, I urge you to visit Onestop. They will keep you engaged, and remind you of the passion that comes with a good write. From Destiny's River, I will now bring to you The Simple Form of Me...
The Simple Form of Me
Upon this raging sea of destiny
Angry waves will come and go
Shaped through erosion, the simple form of me
Back and forth an eternity
Forever seeking from that we sow
Upon this raging sea of destiny
Held by solid chains of conformity
A small and tortured soul hangs low
Shaped through erosion, the simple form of me
Forsaking hope and prosperity
Finding the courage to let go
Upon this raging sea of destiny
Daring to show the best of me
With tortured soul in tow
Shaped through erosion, the simple form of me
Embracing sweet simplicity
With cheapened oars to row
Upon this sea of destiny
Shaped through erosion, the simple form of me
Natasha Head 2011
Comments
Very deep thinking...I like your work :)
Keep Smiling :)
let's have a look at the meter - you've decided on pentameter in your first line - it would be perfect if all the lines scan to make it a really smooth read. a lot of people struggle with the meter - it's not that easy - but i think you can do it. here's my suggestion and it really is just a suggestion to make it more visible for you.
feel free to take aboard what you like and skip what you don't like
Upon this raging sea of destiny
Angry, rolling waves will come and go
erosion shaped, the simple form of me
Back, back and forth a vast eternity
Forever seeking, seeking what we sow
Upon this raging sea of destiny
Held tight by solid chains: conformity
A tiny, tortured soul hangs small and low
erosion shaped, the simple form of me
Forsaking hope and all prosperity
Finding the courage to let bravely go
Upon this raging sea of destiny
Daring to show the very best of me
a tortured, painful and hurt soul in tow
erosion shaped, the simple form of me
Embracing gladly sweet simplicity
With cheapened oars amidst the waves i row
Upon this raging sea of destiny
erosion shaped, the simple form of me
hope this was helpful natasha. glad you are open for suggestions - taking crit will let us grow and guess that's what we all want
I would say. . this is the best..
you have inspired me too. .so I really need to recollect my thoughts too. .and have to visit onestop poetry.
thank you so much.
take care.
breath taking imagery.
Glad to discover your poetry talent,
Impressed,
Hope to see you join our poetry potluck today,
1 to 3 random poems or poems unrelated to our theme are welcome in case you fall short in doing a theme fitting piece.
Bless you.
Keep up the excellence.
xxx